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My Light

I grew up poor with only my grandma and dad. While one was abusive, the other struggled with severe depression. I was a very dark and lonely child, but I kind of liked it. I preferred to be alone and I would sometimes literally hide from people- behind the corner, in the closet, under the table, lol. Maybe it was because I was shy, or I was afraid of getting hurt. Still, I didn’t want anyone to know the real me, so I hid it very well.

On the surface I was always cheerful and polite. Because of this, teachers loved and spoiled me, and I became popular with my peers. Popular kids, bullied kids, it didn’t matter because I treated everyone equally and they did the same for me. And aside from the occasional hater or stalker boy I found many good friends- more like, they found me. Even the older kid that was sent to beat me up became my best friend. They loved that I made them laugh and smile, and they never made much fuss when I talked too much, tackled them with hugs or gave them cutesy nicknames (which I still do today).

Even now as an adult I seem to attract many people. I’m spoiled at work by my co-workers with compliments and gifts. They tell me that my cheerful demeanor makes them feel good and inspires them to be cheerful too. Old Asian ladies especially love me and so do children; they begin to play with me as if they were my own. And random strangers start conversations with me and share their deepest troubles, as if they already know that I’m a good listener. My speech isn't bad either. Customers by phone have said that my voice is really lovely. I used to get mad at my friends for falling asleep while I was talking, but now I just laugh about it.

It may seem as though I am bragging about myself, but these are just the events that I have experienced. In all honesty, receiving so much attention and affection makes me feel awkward and even more insecure. The more people want to be around me, the more I want to run and hide. I don’t understand it; I don’t see what they see. Is what they see even real, or is it just a mask I am still wearing? Inside, I still feel like the person who wants to be alone. I am not strong enough to be the light everyone thinks I am anyway.

Yet, this mask continues to stay on so easily, and I wonder. I have never worn it to deceive people, or to gain from it. I think I wear it to protect myself, but maybe I really wear it to protect others. Maybe this is the kind of person I really am. And when I see someone like Hak Yeon, I can only hope.

I think I can finally begin to understand. Sometimes you don’t need to know someone personally to feel their aura- to know they are a good person. Even though he is an idol, required to put his best foot forward, I really believe he is sincere. I have only followed him for a few months, yet I cannot count all of the wonderful things he has done for those around him- it’s just too many. He truly cares about people, and they are receptive to it. Like a light, his warmth just draws you in.

When I see Hak Yeon smile I can’t help but smile back brightly. And when I was scared, pacing back and forth a court hall across my ex, I listened to his radio podcast and his voice soothed me. It made me feel safe. His charm is beyond words, and even his flaws are lovable. He’s the type of person you just want to adore, and a friend you want always by your side. I can only hope that this is how people see me.

Hak Yeon works so hard, to the point of exhaustion, but his light never seems to fade. This is so inspiring to me. Because of him, I have realized that whether or not I believe in myself, someone will always see me as their light. And during the times which I want to close myself off, I can think of Hak Yeon and be reminded to shine even brighter because nothing in this world should be taken for granted, even myself.

“To us, rather than the time you’ve been with us, it’s more important about how much longer we can be together…”

- Cha Hak Yeon

This journal contains pictures and posts about my personal life. *Mature content warning* If you would like to be friends, please leave me a comment. Thank you.

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October 2015


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